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Automotive Fun


The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. It could be a right number.
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.


The 'Basic Price'
There was a farmer, Perley Moore, who had recently bought a truck and found that the "basic price" was only the beginning. Once the salesman had added on all the extras—towing package, toolbox, fifth-wheeler attachment, etc. —the price was quite a bit higher. Well, by a strange turn of fate, that same salesman stopped by Perley's farm one day to buy a cow. The dealer examined the herd, picked out a likely specimen, and asked about the price.
"That's a hundred-dollar cow," Moore replied directly.
"That's fair enough," said the salesman. "I'll take her."
"Well, now, that's the basic price," Moore added, getting out pencil and paper. "There are one or two extras, of course." He made a few notes and handed the paper to the dealer. Here is the final invoice:
Basic cow
Two-tone exterior
Storage compartment and
dispensing device
Four spigots @ $10 each
Genuine cowhide upholstery
Dual horns @ $7.50 each
Automatic fly-swatter
Thanks for this go to Christopher Kimball, founder and editor, America's Test Kitchen.

 These are real statements made by real people on insurance forms.

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

3. I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put
my hand through it.

4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5. A truck backed into my windshield into my wife's face.

6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.

8. I pulled from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment.

9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As
I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I
did not see the other car.

11. I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.

12. I was on my way to the doctor's office with rear-end trouble when
my universal joint gave.

13. As I approached the intersection a stop sign suddenly appeared in
a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to
stop in time to avoid the accident.

14. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat,
found that I had a skull fracture.

17. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth.

19. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found
in a ditch by some stray cows.

20. The telephone pole was approaching fast, I was attempting to
swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

From the classified ads:

HUMMERS - Largest Selection ever - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

Drinking and driving

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


A New Corvette

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down the Interstate highway. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man, and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

Don't mess with old ladies

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see.… Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five  police cars circle her car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Moral: Don't mess with old ladies.

Photos and cartoons 


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